Changes

It's odd how a single day can change the rest of your life.

Just One More Thing The Airlines Have All Wrong

Okay, I just have to ask. What is up with flight attendant attire?

Do the airlines want these people to be dressed to actually help me in a crisis? Because see, personally, I feel like their uniforms adhere poorly to the "form follows function" rule or even any variation thereof which is strictly specific to clothing.

I just don't believe it makes much sense for female flight attendants to wear high heels. I mean, I know the airlines are running a business here, and so they want all the employees -- flight attendants included -- to be dressed very professionally. But you know, there's something about the uniforms that doesn't really add up. High heels just seem like they would be the most incapable article of clothing for any serious flight-related emergency. Wouldn't you agree?

Then again, I suppose one does have to admit that, were there an actual, serious emergency while a plane were in the air, it really wouldn't matter what the hell anyone was wearing.

What Did You See Today?

Today I am remembering a vacation I took to San Diego this past spring. My parents, my sister and I spent an evening on Coronado Beach. And it was still a little too chilly to get into the water, but we had a fine time just watching the waves come in. My mother remarked that she loved the ocean so much because it was a thing that never looks the same way twice. It's always different, she said. Always evolving.

I agree with her. The ocean does change continually, and it certainly never looks the same way twice. But personally, I feel the same could be said for any other thing in this world.

I want to view the world with a new pair of eyes each and every day. I don't want to assume I already know all there is to know about a blade of grass, or a particular building, or a mountain, or a person. I want every thing to always look at least a little different to me, day after day. I want to continually find things I hadn't noticed before. I don't want to say, "Oh, that's a tree," and then go on with my life, satisfied that I'm sure I already know what a tree looks like. I want to know what is different about that tree. I want to make new perceptions each time I see something.

I guess it all comes down to the element of surprise. I never want to stop being curious and learning about what's out there in the great wide world. I never want to stop making sweet little discoveries.


Photo: Sway Sovay

That Was A Good One

A linguistics professor was lecturing to his English class.

"In English," he said, "a double negative forms a positive. But in some languages, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative."

A voice from the back of the room piped up. "Yeah, right."

Brewing

Some days I'm almost positive that I need to form some sort of addictive habit.

Cigarettes are probably the go-to addiction of choice, but I've just never been the smoking type. (Wait. Is there a smoking type? See, I don't even know.)

There's gambling -- but you know, I really don't have that kind of money to be screwing around with.

There's theft, but the law isn't really something I want to screw around with either.

Drugs, but I'm not that kind of girl.

Proclivities of a carnal nature, but I'm not really that kind of a girl either.

And then there's always alcohol, but aside from the whole wealth of problems associated with alcoholism which I don't really want to risk, I live alone -- so if I drank myself into a coma no one would find me for days.

I guess coffee will just have to do.

I bring this up because it seems to me like time always passes so much quicker for people with a compulsive method for passing the time. And while I would never genuinely wish the days of my life away, sometimes I would seriously love for life to move a little faster toward a time when I have a better foothold on everything.

I feel restless. Like I'm either not where I'm supposed to be at this point in my life, or like I'm waiting for something that hasn't arrived yet, but definitely will, someday. This is kind of a dissatisfied feeling. And the strange thing is that I have a great life, and I shouldn't have any reason to feel dissatisfied. I mean, sure my life isn't as perfect as what I see when I close my eyes, but whose ever is? Certainly there's nothing for me to be unhappy about.

Right?

Man, I just can't shake the feeling, and it's driving me crazy. I'm waiting on something, but I have no idea what it is or how to speed it up. Or I'm lacking something, but it's not something little, it's something huge and I'm just too stupid to recognize what it is.

Maybe this is what a quarter-life crisis feels like.

Growing Up Is Hard To Do

I don't think people should go straight from being teenagers to being adults. I just don't think it's fair to gloss over those in between years -- between when people begin telling you that you're an adult and when you realize you've actually become one.

I think we should have teenagers, then in betweeners and then adults. I can't speak for everyone in my age category -- and probably not everyone my age feels like this -- but it seems like there's a group missing from the titled phases of aging.

I know I'm not a teenager any longer, but I don't feel like I'm a full blown adult yet either. I guess, on paper, I am. But I always believed that becoming a true "adult" was supposed to be accompanied by the feeling that you could adequately take care of yourself and whoever else came along. And see, I don't feel like that. At least not yet, anyway.

There are just so many things that a person in his or her twenties has to get straightened out. It's like... when you're born, you know nothing about the world you land in, and you have to start from scratch and pick up everything as you go. Well, I feel like that's happening all over again. Like after college I got dropped into a new world again, and I'm learning everything as I go.

There is a lot that you don't have to concern yourself with when you're a child. Or even when you're in high school or college. You may choose to, but you're not really forced to until later. And then you start seeing everything from a totally different perspective. Going to the dentist isn't just going to the dentist any more, it's scheduling and working out insurance. Dinner isn't food any more, it's grocery shopping and budgeting and deciding whether you want to pay with cash or a card. And sometimes, people aren't just people any more, they are their ages, and what they do, and whether or not they're married, and where they went to school.

What makes a person an adult? A greater will to deal with responsibility? Knowing how to take care of oneself and others? Understanding more about the social and public systems? Doing things you don't want to do just because you know you have to now?

I think this is one of the hardest phases in life. People this age are granted access to practically everything, but it can be hard to get a firm grip on all of it. Jobs, relationships, housing, family, money, life in general, and even ourselves. Persons who are much younger or much older look at people in my age group and are supposed to think, "They are in the prime of their youth and should be having the time of their lives." And sometimes, that's probably true. But I also feel like a lot of the older population forgets what it's like to be right here, right now, in this stage of life where you aren't sure about much, where you don't always know who you are or what you're doing, where your life is going, or even where you want your life to go.

Despite everything about the way me and my life looks on paper, I think I'm still an in betweener.

On Productivity And The Opposite Thereof

Wait, is that dust on my window? A couple of bugs?



Spiderman and a sidekick?



Are Alain Robert and a friend in town?



Nope! It's the ever impressive acrobatic window washers of the Phoenix metropolitan area.

Man, I love window washing day. I just never get a lot done.

Photos: Sway Sovay

My Car Is Proud of Me, and You Should Be Too

Today I did something I've never done before: I changed one of my tail light bulbs on my Explorer.

You have no idea what an accomplishment this was. Not only because I (embarrassingly enough) know next to nothing about what keeps my car running, but also because it was a freaking nightmare trying to get my hands on those little light bulbs.

I think it must have been The Week to Buy Replacement Tail Bulbs citywide or something, because I went to WalMart and Target a total of three times -- three times -- in order to find the stinkin' things.

My frustration at the drought of replacement bulbs subsided, however, after I snapped the cover back into place and had a successful test. I know this will sound hilarious to anyone who has even a shred of a clue more than I do regarding his or her vehicle, but I'm going to say it anyway: I felt like a total badass.

Double Take: Katharine McPhee and Jacinda Barrett

Am I the only one who thinks they look exactly alike??

Katharine McPhee:



Jacinda Barrett:

A Little Greenery Never Hurt Anyone

...unless maybe we're talking about Poison Ivy, ala the adventures of Batman and Robin.

Someone left this super cute little plant on my desk before I got into the office this morning, and thankfully, poison ivy is it not.

It's such a handsome little plant. I wonder how long it will take me to kill it. Ladies and gentlemen, start the clock.

And start the second clock for how long it takes me to find out who left the poor doomed thing on my desk.

Under Pressure, Part 2

I think that it must be awfully hard for some guys to live with the idea that they should be the ones to put the first foot forward. A lot of girls like for guys to step up and make the first move, and I can see how that would be hard for someone a little more introverted. I mean, first the guy has to get up the courage to say something or do something (and hope that it's the "right" thing), and then he has to wait and see if it's going to be followed up with a rejection. He has to continually put himself out there and run the risk of being completely embarrassed or looking like a total jerk.

But I think girls have to go through a lot of the same thing, just in a different form. Girls may have the luxury of waiting for and expecting the guy to be the one to make the first move, but we have to live the with the idea that no guy is even going to bother unless we can keep their attention. I think girls can say all day long that they don't care what they look like, but come on, every girl cares at least a little on some level. And every girl worries that she may not be "pretty enough" to get whatever kind of guy she's looking for.

The truth is, everyone wants to appeal to the opposite sex and no one likes rejection. So I think that men and women have the same problems, and are under equal amounts of pressure, but we just have to deal with it in different ways.

Under Pressure, Part 1

Which do you think is stronger: the pressure on guys to always be the instigators, or the pressure on women to always be attractive and desirable?

Incubus in Concert at Mesa Amphitheatre

I went to a concert last night with a friend from work. The bands were: Simon Dawes, The Bravery, and Incubus. And I can't say I'm a huge fan of any of those, but I like The Bravery well enough.

It was kind of a last minute thing. My friend had gotten the tickets a while ago for her boyfriend and herself, but something came up and he couldn't go. So she asked her brother-in-law, who loves Incubus just as much as she does, but he also couldn't make it. So I turned out to be third in line.

I can't say I was excited about going when my friend asked me. But I can say I was excited just to be asked. It was great to get out for a night and do something for a change, because moving to a brand new city where you don't know a soul is tough, and staying in every evening gets really old really fast.

But enough about that. If you weren't there, here's what you missed:

In the Category of Shows I Can Never Turn Off:

If you haven't caught an episode of Man vs. Wild yet, then man, do I feel sorry for you. Watching a man (think: ex-member of British special forces) get dropped off in the middle of some the craziest terrain on the face of the planet (think: Everglades, Moab Desert, Iceland, the center of a volcano) and then find his way back to civilization will always be fascinating to most of the population. And maybe what's even crazier is that the same individual would be willing to do it over and over and over again. Take all that footage, chop it up and put it back together again, and you have an entire season of Man vs. Wild. Which, by the way, is infinitely better than Survivorman. Pffffff... what is that about. Nowhere near as good as the real deal.

Well, if you're not going to watch either show, then at least answer me this: Which name sounds more hardcore to you: Les Stroud......... or Bear Grylls?

That's what I thought.

Photo: Bear Grylls makes sunscreen.
©2007 Discovery Communications

Photo: Les Stroud working the fire.
©2005 Survivorman Productions, Inc.

This Isn't Really A Post About Spas

You're just going to have to stay with me on this one and try not to get lost.

Last week I spent my lunch hour looking into a potential trip to the spa. I've never been to one before, and it sounded like a nice way to relax. I quickly uncovered that even a weekend stay at any one of these places is not cheap.

To be truthful, I did always suspect that these places were pretty expensive, but somehow I imagined that I would still be able to find something more in line with say, the Holiday Inns of spas, as opposed to the Hiltons or the Hyatts. And then I was forced to remember that I live in the Phoenix metro area, a.k.a. the Resort and Spa Capital of the Southwest. That's like living in Tiffany's and yet still expecting to find a cheap diamond within arm's reach. (Oh fine, it was lousy, but you get my point anyway, right?)

So, having absolutely no problem whatsoever admitting that I earn nowhere near enough to fund a full-fledged relaxation getaway, but not wanting to abandon all hope just yet, I checked for any special rates and/or packages. And lo and behold, I found some.

But as I read on, it became apparent that the vast number of them were created for couples.

Not just friends.

Couples.

Do people not go to the spa alone?

I think it's interesting that there are so many situations where people are expected to arrive, to enjoy, and to leave with another person.

I go to the movie theater and buy a ticket for myself, and the ticket salesperson will ask the person behind me, "Same movie?" assuming that we came together.

I go to restaurants and the hostesses frequently ask me, "...And will there be two tonight?"

The company plans events and the all-important question is, "Who will you be bringing?"

I don't have a problem with being with someone, and I don't have a problem with being alone. But there are these little things I notice which make me wonder if most of society doesn't expect for a person to either already be in a relationship or be working on being in one. Very interesting.

But my god, who are these couples who are always going to the spa?? Can I be their friend??


Photos, top two: ©2007 The Phoenician, LLC

Photos, bottom two: ©2005 Sanctuary Camelback Mountain

Paramore

Paramore's new album Riot! has been on high rotation all weekend.

Usually I'm not into "girl rock" or whatever you want to call it. But the songwriting is so fantastic that I can't put this cd down. The songs are just so damn catchy!

Hayley Williams (lead singer) and the rest of Paramore have such an "in your face" way of delivering the lyrics that you can't help but get all pumped up.

Don't know why I didn't find this band sooner. But I will definitely be checking out the rest of their stuff.

The Cubbies

There are a ridiculous number of people from Chicago here in the Phoenix metropolitan area. Do you think it could be a coincidence that all the older folks decide to spend their retirement in the city where the Chicago Cubs have their spring training? Mmm... probably not...

That's a picture of Mark Prior. And no, I wasn't stalking him or the rest of the team.

Er, much...

Photo: Sway Sovay

Montezuma Castle

Deciding it was absolutely necessary to take a break from unpacking all my belongings in the new apartment, I found myself in Rimrock, Arizona, this past weekend.

And I saw a castle there. Well, kind of.

Montezuma Castle is an enormous cliff dwelling built by the Sinagua over 400 years ago. What's really interesting to me is to look at what was going on in other parts of the world around the same time. For example:

-the British began settling North America
-Russia was descending into anarchy
-the Gregorian calendar (currently the most popular worldwide) was put into effect

The structure has between 45-50 rooms and was protected as a national monument by Theodore Roosevelt at the turn of the last century.

I wish the public were still allowed to walk through the castle and explore the rooms, but the government was forced to restrict access in the 1950s in order to preserve the structure's stability. Now the only people who get to experience the view from Montezuma Castle are park personnel.

As Napoleon Dynamite would say: Lucky.


Photos: Sway Sovay

Holiday Cactus

I've discovered that a lot of the plants that can be described as low maintenance and are still capable of surviving this oppressive Arizona heat are non-blooming succulents. Which presented me with an interesting task, since I really wanted some sort of flowering plants to liven up my new (but very bare) balcony.

I'll be honest, most varieties of cacti don't do it for me. I appreciate their place in the world, really I do, and I admire them for their hardiness, but to me they're just a little... boring...














Except for maybe the holiday cactus, also known as a Christmas cactus (among other names). I think their blooms are gorgeous, and they come in the most beautiful colors.

But for one reason or another, I have had the worst luck with these little guys.

I know a lot of people who have had great success with their holiday cactus plants, and they all say that the care level has been relatively low, but I don't know how this can be.

The thing about holiday cacti is that they have crazy specific requirements for light and temperature and water in order to bloom properly. So many hours a day of light, so many hours a day of darkness, a certain temperature above or below this or that, a certain schedule of watering, etc... It's sort of maddening.















Common sense would tell me to give up, but now it's almost become a game to me. I'm going to keep trying until I perfect the science of keeping one both alive and blooming, just you wait and and see.

At least I can say that because they're native to here, they tend to be fairly cheap. And I'll probably keep reminding myself of that fact each time I have to throw another one out.

Top Photo: Nayana Sondi
Bottom Photo: plantoftheweek.org

Harry Potter and A Series of Unfortunate Events

­I find it interesting that these children’s books have evolved into some sort of cultural phenomenon, despite the fact that they place such great emphasis on death and other dark subject matters.

I find it interesting, but not necessarily surprising.

These two series have something in common that can’t help but be fascinating to young readers the whole world over: the books open discussion to those matters which have been, by tradition, considered best to avoid in children’s literature.

What impresses me most about the Harry Potter series and the Unfortunate Events series is that their concepts were so radically original. I mean, how many people would have guessed that a book about three children who, after their parents die in a tragic house fire, have no choice but to make their way through tragedy after tragedy while losing relatives right and left, would have become such a huge success? The first book alone (of the thirteen total books) has sold somewhere around 20 million copies worldwide.

And Harry Potter? Sure, I can see a pitch for a story about a boy wizard going well. (I don’t know that I could have predicted 325-million-copies-worldwide well…) But no one who has read the books could possibly say that they don’t contain some incredibly dark undertones.

I think these series have done well because young readers are intrigued by subjects that they hadn’t seen much of until these books arrived. Lemony Snicket and J.K. Rowling have handed over content that’s maybe been considered somewhat forbidden in the recent years of children’s literature, but both authors have handled it in clever ways. They can bring the reader close to danger and death -- a lot closer than most other children’s authors who have made the bestsellers list -- but not too close, so that the magic and whimsy of the books remains intact. Snicket and Rowling also don’t “talk down” to their readers or spoonfeed them the details.

It’s refreshing to me to see children’s authors writing a larger vocabulary and allowing the readers to make inferences on their own. I hope this is a style that "sticks" and that other authors continue to improve upon it.

Tappity Tap Tap Tap

A word of advice to dance instructors everywhere:

When choreographing a piece that involves male dancers who are at the beginning of their foray into the magical world of dance, do not say anything along the lines of "...and now we're going to do a ball change..." without further explanation and actually expect the poor things to immediately understand what you're talking about.

Introverts Are People, Too

Thanks to The Atlantic, I now choose to see myself as "a minority in the regular population but a majority in the gifted population."

You're free to see me this way, too, of course.

Music Sites I Wouldn't Want To Live Without

Could I live without them? Yeah, probably. But I wouldn't want to.

If you're an audiohead, I hope you've already found these, but if you haven't...

Pandora: A kind of online radio station that you can customize to play only the music you like and music it suspects you'll like based upon your preferences. Super easy to use and a great way to discover bands you might have been missing out on.

Pollstar: This site lets you search for concerts by either artist, city or venue. One of my main thrills in life is good live music, so this is a required site for me.

And a true gem:

Live Plasma: A very cool page that will "map" your favorite artists/bands, movies, actors or directors, in order to show you what/who is similar in that same category. It's a bonus that the "mapping" uses really cool graphics.

I Love Them, I Just Don't Love Carrying Them Around In Boxes

So, as I've mentioned, I'm moving this weekend. And if you're a fellow writer/literary freak such as myself, or if you happen to know one personally, then you know that we hate moving because it forces us to go through the thousands and thousands of books and papers and magazines and notebooks and clippings we've hoarded since the last time we moved. Trend shows I normally put off this part of packing until it's much too late. Last year my friends and family had to start up a search party in order to find me a few days later, on the floor of my bedroom, buried under every piece of fiction and non-fiction I'd written between the years 2000 and 2006.

Of course it's understandable that I would hang on to most of the odds and ends I've written myself. But on top of that, I probably have hundreds of articles and short stories, poems, etc. that I did not write. And maybe I haven't even gone back and read them in years and years, but I still keep them. And what's more is, every time I'm forced pare the stack down to a file folder or two, I just can't seem to bring myself to throw them out.

Not sure what I'm saving them for. To share with friends, perhaps. Or maybe it's both inspiring and comforting to me to be surrounded by such great writing. Same situation with my shelves and shelves of books. I seldom re-read books, I just like having them there, at my fingertips. As the true bibliophiles will swear, the right books really can become like friends to you.

And yet, having said that, I can guarantee you I won't be talking so lovey-dovey about my journals and books come Saturday, after I've transported my umpteenth box of them halfway across town and up two flights of stairs.

The first words out of my mouth on Sunday will most likely be "back surgery."

Lisbon, Portugal

I was in Lisbon last month for a week. Wonderful city. I didn't experience any of the unfriendliness toward Americans that I have while visiting a few other countries. And I was surprised at how many people spoke English. Not just any English, though -- really really good English. I had zero problems being understood at virtually every establishment I visited.

Even the taxi drivers knew a lot of English, which was super convenient. No one likes to have to play charades with the cab driver in order to get to where he's going. And speaking of the cabs... Fare was incredibly cheap -- three to five Euros for practically everywhere I went! So much cheaper than cabs in the U.S., even taking the exchange rate into consideration.

Definitely did the "touristy" things while I was there. Castles, beaches, museums and the like.

My favorite activity was probably going to a professional soccer match between Portugal and Spain. I also enjoyed all the tiny shops in Cascais. Perfect little European seaside town, like something out of a quaint foreign film.

I think Portugal is probably pretty low on Americans' radar as far as vacations go, but I think that's going to change in the next several years. It was clear to me that the country and its capital are making a lot of changes to encourage potential tourists.

I'm kind of glad I saw the city when I did, before things become too commercialized, etc. Not having been born there, I'll never see the country the way the Portuguese see it, but at least this way I feel like I was able to get a little closer.

Ah, the travel bug. Exciting thing, isn't it? Once bitten, it becomes like a habit you just can't kick. And then suddenly everything you do revolves around getting your hands on more money in order to feed your habit.

I love traveling, because when I do, I discover so many things that I was missing out on. And what's more is, I didn't even know I was missing out on them! What a shame. And after having realized this, I just can't be content to leave unknown whatever else it is that I haven't discovered yet.

I just have to know what I'm missing, because it could be something absolutely wonderful.

This is why people start to wax a little philosophical when they travel. This is why people romantically sigh that they've "found themselves" while they've been on the road. It's because when we travel, we find that we become capable of seeing things we didn't know how to see before, and we find ourselves asking questions that we didn't know we may have been wondering all along.



Photos: Sway Sovay

Things That Made Me Laugh This Week

It's been a long week; however, there were highlights:

1.) The people at Dictionaraoke have used audio clips from online dictionaries to "sing the hits of yesterday and today." I've listened to almost all of them by now, and there are so many good ones I couldn't possibly choose a favorite. Go there, right now, and see what happens when karaoke and diction collide.

2.) Jessica Francis Kane's "Adverb Your Enthusiasm" currently found over at The Morning News is very clever indeed. I totally plan on using "Loch Nessily" in at least one sentence this weekend. Seriously.

3.) To be filed away under Things I've Overheard as I Left the Grocery Store: A thirty-something woman on her cell phone: "Well, if your dream isn't to move to Oklahoma and start a pickle farm, then we really need to talk!"

I find this particularly funny since I'm from Oklahoma. And no, I don't know anyone who owns or operates a pickle farm.

4.) Needs no introduction or wrap-up:

Things I Currently Covet

The entire Sarah Jessica Parker clothing collection.


I'm not a huge fan of Sarah Jessica Parker. A month or two ago, one of the girls in my office gushed, "Hey, did you hear that Sarah Jessica Parker is coming out with a new clothing line??"

To which I responded, "Oh really?? Cool." But to which I thought, "Who cares. All we need is yet another celebrity trying to capitalize on her fame by weedling her way into yet another industry." (Man, I am one cynical curmudgeon.)

But flash forward a few months and I found myself walking through a Steve and Barry's store with (and I am not ashamed to admit this) the sole purpose of checking out SJP's new line. (Which, by the way, is called Bitten.)

My conclusion? It's perfect. The whole collection is absolutely perfect. Every item under $20?And surprisingly good quality for that price? Have I died and gone to heaven?

It's amazing -- this woman has hit the nail exactly on the head. This is what girls and women all across the country have been praying for their whole lives: clothes that fit every shape and size, that won't make you break your budget, and that are classic enough to stay in style for years.

I don't know what SJP and Steve and Barry's have in mind for the seasonal collections to come, but I'm hoping that they don't let me down.

Photo: New York Times

The Rules of Moving

I'm getting ready to move apartments two weekends from now. And so, since the topic has been on my mind, I thought it might be an excellent time to review a few rules pertaining to what I like to refer to as "moving etiquette":

1.) If you asked people to help you move, and if they agreed, and if they did, in fact, help you move, then whether they are your friends or a guy you recruited off the street, the polite thing to do is to pay them back in some way.

Note: Your token of gratitude need not be huge, but it should probably reflect the amount of labor you required of them. Thus, if they have helped you move your one-bedroom apartment across the hall, you might want to treat them to ice cream. If, however, they have helped you move your three-bedroom townhome clear across the city, you should probably pay for dinner that evening. (Preferably after all of you have had the opportunity to shower.)

2.) Also, if you asked people to help you move, and if they agreed, and if they did, in fact, help you move, then whether they are your friends or a guy you recruited off the street, you have granted them the right to ask you to help them move the next time they need it.

3.) ALSO, if you asked people to help you move, and if they agreed, and if they did, in fact, help you move, AND if they did, in fact, exercise their right to ask you to help them move, then it is very bad form for you to decline. Very bad form indeed.

I've numbered this list for the sake of convenience, however, I think most of us will agree that the first and foremost rule of moving has always been, and always will be: Get your crap as quickly as possible from point A to point B in whatever way you possibly can. Am I right or am I right?

O-O-Oprah? O-Oh please.

Has everyone gotten over it by now, or are there others like me who are still asking:

"Why does Oprah have to be on every single cover?!?"

Not that I don't have a deep appreciation for all the money she donates to charity each year, or all the cash and prizes she gives away to her audience members. It's just that I feel like she's sending mixed signals here. The magazine cover situation seems a little self-absorbed if you ask me.

How can this woman perpetually claim to be all about boosting the self-images of men and women everywhere and yet never showcase anyone but herself on the cover of her magazine? Wouldn't a woman who spends so much time and effort supporting racial and cultural differences, etc., choose to use it as a medium for promoting the causes and interests of other worthy individuals?

If you've been asking yourself these same questions, I have good news for you. In an interview published in Essence magazine (Oct. 2003), Miss Oprah said, "When I first started the magazine, people were always saying, 'Well, who else are you going to put on the cover?' And I'd say, 'Well, who's going sell better than I am? You got any ideas?'"

Hm. Good point, Oprah. There's probably no one else on the planet besides you who can promote positive thinking and high self-esteem. Man, what were we thinking?

We Actually Know We're Neurotic

Women are neurotic. We are, it’s true, and I can admit this.

And while I’m at it, I’ll go ahead and say this, too: I feel bad for all the decent men, those rare and decent men, who actually have their acts together and who are forced to deal with neurotic behavior they don’t deserve.

I think that as women get older, the intelligent ones – the ones capable of learning from their past mistakes – are able to look back at the women who are some steps behind them and recognize: Oh dear god. I used to be that girl.

I no longer consider myself a novice in the dating and relationship arenas, but by no means would I ever call myself an expert – I’m a long ways from that. And yet, I still feel like it would be fair to say that I’ve gained some useful insights over the past decade or so.

One of the benefits of entering this new phase of wisdom is that now I’m somehow more able to recognize these moments of neurotic behavior. In myself, in my girlfriends, occasionally even in girls I’ve only just met. It’s eye-opening, really. I’ve learned that we get upset (a lot) over things that have… well… nothing to do with anything. But the thing is, to us, this little thing actually does relate to something. See, men are confused because they take us literally; they believe that the problem at hand is the problem at hand, when really, there’s usually so much more under the surface.

When I get irritated at, or pick a fight over, something completely ridiculous, I can almost always see that I’m being unreasonable and unfair. The problem, though, is that whatever the underlying issue happens to be, it’s never something that I think is ridiculous.

Men fight over what is in front of them, over what we (women) have laid on the table, but we (women) fight over what is under the table. What we’ve placed on the table is just something we’re using to bring up our real issues. Do you follow?

Women are neurotic, for sure. And we can’t help it. We will always be this way. This is because we all secretly want a man who can read our minds when we’re upset, a man who’s in tune with what makes us happy and what makes us angry or sad, a man who can learn what we want and need and expect. We want men who can give us what we we’re hoping for without us asking for it. We want men who can look at the tiny and ridiculous matters we bring up and naturally see what it is that’s really bothering us beneath each of them. And why do we want men like this? Because we, as women, are always searching for the “grand gesture,” we are constantly looking for signs from the men that they care enough to make efforts to satisfy and take care of us. Because we hope (against all odds and better judgment) that men exist who are capable of deeper thought and who will care enough to always get to the bottom of things. What makes us neurotic is that there aren’t a lot of men out there who are like this.

I blame the discrepancy in expectations on the genders’ respective wiring. We just think differently, and that will probably never change unless we all become genderless automatons.

So what do men want? If a man isn’t neurotic, what is he? Reckless? Insensitive? Oblivious? I don’t think it’s fair to pass those judgments when I don’t really know what they want. Where are they coming from? What kind of women do they want?