It is bizarre to me how every day can be a little different and yet still feel exactly the same as the one before. The past several weeks I've felt like I'm wading through a deep pool of coffee mugs, bad articles, grocery lists and dinners in front of the TV. And it's not like any of those are bad, it's just that I feel like somehow everything has gradually become monotonous and I don't know what to do to break it. I'm picturing a snow globe that needs to be shaken up. Or this...
... Except without the peppy music. Or the VW Beetle appearance. Also, I am not a dude. Nor do I work in a skyrise in... is that supposed to be Manhattan? Anyway, you get the point.
But, nothing is wrong. Nothing is bad. Yet. And though I try my best to avoid thinking negatively, the pragmatist in me can't help but be concerned over things involving stodgy phrases like "financial stability" and "the security of my job." These things have been distracting me to the point where I feel like in any given minute I'm only paying half as much attention to what's going on as I normally would be. It's like a continuous feeling that I've been up for two days straight and can't quite bring my mind back into focus.
I think the fact that I was sick for a week or so, combined with the dread that any day now I'll walk into work and be terminated, probably has a lot to do with my current state of mind. Ever since the company made its financial predicament known at the beginning of the year, many of us have been asking for updates, but the powers that be have been very tight-lipped on the whole matter, and so now it's like we're all just holding our breath, waiting for the other shoe to drop.
And so now 10% of the time I'm thinking about such matters as... Our apartment complex just upped our rent in an emergency financial move. I'm having a hard time finding a doctor/optometrist/dentist who accepts my poor health insurance. Our lease on our apartment ends in June and we don't know yet whether we'll be able to go or will have to stay -- or even be able to stay. (We would really, really like to move. For a number of reasons.) I can't get a second job because this one takes up so much time already. And if I lose this job, where will I go? Is there even a healthy future for me in this industry or should I change careers? Does this industry even have a healthy future?
And that's about the time my head explodes. Which is why, to avoid such explosions, the other 90% of the time I distract myself by any means necessary, as long as -- like I said in my previous post -- it doesn't involve any real, actual work. Like right now, for example, as I type this on my lunch break, drinking a nonfat mocha and trying to decide how many times during the rest of the day I can sneak away to the patio to read a few pages of my novel before someone takes notice.
OK, that's it, I'm done now, I promise. And tomorrow I'll be more chipper.
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